Let's Get The Smiles Going

[Nemesis]

Just read the local news today. Police have arrested a man standing on the corner of a street trying to sell Helium Balloons. They held him for a while, then let him go !!

[Nemesis]

I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits? He said: How flexible are you? I said: I cant make Tuesdays.'

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me :Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it.'

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

I saw this advert in a window that said: Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I cant turn that down

[And More Racing Stable]

The husband and the horse.

The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...

[Cowboy Way]

a group of people are touring the backside, 1 good looking lady leaves the group and is walking the shedrows on her on! she comes across a man feeding some horses, she asks him if he is a horse trainer, he says no, so she keeps walking, she comes to the 2nd man pushing a wheelbarrow, she asks him if he is a horse trainer, again same answer, no mam im not, so she keeps walking until she comes up on the 3rd man, she is also very good looking, she asks if he is a horse trainer, he looks at her and says , well yes i am, she motions for him to follow her into a tack room, ( you get the picture ) well when they came out awhile afterwards, he starts laughing really really hard, she gets red and asks why are you laughing, he says lady i havent been a horse trainer for 20 minutes and i have already lied to you and f,ed you!